lets talk about: being that flakey friend

Picture the scene: you're out clubbing and, needless to say, at least four tinnies down. You bump into a girl you've met a couple of times, but greet each other like you've known each other for years. Some incoherent small talk ensues, mainly about how much work you've got and how nice her top is. You can feel the end of the conversation looming in the near distance. Maybe it's the ever diminishing pitcher in your hand; maybe its the seductive sound of Reggae Shark that floats in the air. Either way, you make a slurred attempt at organising a coffee, even going as far as putting a reminder in your phone and frantically shoving said phone in the girl's face to prove your unflakiness. Come the following morning, you are a) hungover, and b) filled with dread by the realisation you have yet again promised your time to another person, and will realistically never follow it up.

Sound familiar? It certainly does to me. Not a night out goes by that I don't make promises I know I won't keep. My awareness of being the flakey friend should surely mean that I am able to either stop myself from making said promises, or actually (God forbid) follow through, right?

The truth is, it's easier said than done. 

I've spent a long time trying to get to the bottom of why I do flake on these hypothetical outings. I like to think of myself as a reliable friend to those I am close to, but sometimes I am unable to bring myself to the physical commitment of going out and being social. 

I've realised that what probably lies at the core of my flakiness (?) issue is my incessant desire to please everybody, which invariably leads to me overextending myself. I'm not one of those people who is able to say no to things; normally I'll give a vaguely committal yes, leave it embarrassingly late as my anxiety mounts, and finally cancel/say no to the plan. 

Often, those who are the flakey friend are also in some way introverted, even though it may not seem that way initially. For these individuals, the desire to be with people and wanting to feel fully at ease are two things that do not necessarily go hand in hand. As the recipient of the flake, spare a thought for these friends; coax them out with social situations that won't scare them off, but also be mindful of why they might be flaking on you. 

I also think flakiness is a product of an intense pressure to be social and omnipresent, thereby feeling included in everything that is going on. You feel like you ought to be going out and having a good time because that's what it looks like everyone is doing. How will people know you have friends if they don't post a picture of you at The Breakfast Club eating a chilli-flaked avocado toast? How will your social life survive??? In my experience, flakers fear FOMO and 'not having enough fun', so they make superficial plans in order to appease their sense of anxiety. 

Undeniably, there is a pressure to maintain the illusion of a perfect lifestyle, where you are being sociable whilst also keeping up with your work; truthfully, there aren't enough hours in the day for all that. Being able to successfully maintain a work/life balance while you are at uni is a fairytale, and you shouldn't feel guilty if you feel yourself leaning one way or the other at any given point. Your friends will understand if you're having a bit of a crisis, and the best way to deal with it is share it with them, rather than keep making frantic plans under the illusion that everything is fine (when the reality of the situation is that your sanity is going down like a burning ship). 

It's been very easy this year to isolate myself - the combination of not living in college, my closest friends and boyfriend leaving Oxford, and mounting pressure with work has meant that I've found the most comfort and ease in my own company. Forcing myself out of this very secure environment is difficult, but invariably important during this tricky year ahead. Sometimes I need to curl up in bed, slowly dye my skin orange and binge watch Narcos.  That's called self-care. But self-care also extends to spending time with your friends and actually following through on plans; it's equally important during finals to take time for yourself and force yourself out of your comfort zones, even if that does only mean out to the pub. 

So, this is an open apology to all the people I've flaked on. I'm profoundly sorry and I owe you all at least 15 coffees. Please don't take it personally; truth is, I'm not self-aware enough to be able to come to terms with the fact I won't be able to magically resurrect from my bed and follow through with my plans with you. Those of you at breaking point on the receiving end, stick with your flakey friends, please. They value you more than you know.